Artist Spotlight: Bibio

I feel like this song needs more recognition. Props to Bibio for crafting a genuinely interesting, unique, creative, inspiring, and uplifting track with "Lovers' Carvings." I'll be keeping my eye out for new material from them, and hopefully you do too.

Updates

A Tiny Day in the Jackson Hole Backcountry from Tristan Greszko on Vimeo.

In my free time, I like looking up ski videos. Since skiing is one of my many passions, it tends to happen a lot. Often, I'll end up spending hours just watching video after video off of Vimeo or Newschoolers. They're cool, reflective, artistic, inspiring. They serve the producers' intentions ultimately and always, and I think that in many ways they are able to capture what words cannot. Better yet, they do it in a way that recognizes the present moment--by using modern filmography techniques and equipment, by telling a story, and by sharing it with the wider skiing community.

Staying focused on the present is hard, and that's why I'm coming back to blogging. Here. So here are some updates on things that I'm working on and where I'm hoping to go with them.

The End/Beginning: ELPers, seek your passions

(EDIT: I'm staying on Blogger! Read my posts as they continue here throughout the coming weeks and months.)

One of my passions is having an outdoorsy lifestyle that embodies the spirit of my home, my lifeblood, the Pacific Northwest. Pictured here is Grand Tetons National Park in autumn. What are your passions? How can you attain them?

How can it be over already? It seems like it was just yesterday that I nervously walked over to the Locatelli Center for that first class in January. I didn't know what to expect, or really why I had signed up in the first place. I wanted to connect with a group of people that I wasn't finding in the Fall Quarter and wow, have I found that much and more.

I could not have asked for a better experience for the Winter Quarter of my freshman year here at Santa Clara University. Combined with numerous other experiences (namely, the DISCOVER Retreat with Campus Ministry, CLC, and a few other great programs), ELP has been absolutely essential to my  development as a student, as a leader, and as a person. Honestly, I've learned more, I think, about myself than I ever could have expected. And, quite honestly, it's helped me to make it through.

Toward the middle of the quarter, I was seriously struggling with being away from my home in the Pacific Northwest, as I was feeling increasingly disconnected by the day. Meanwhile, I still didn't really feel like I fit in, that I could be myself, here at Santa Clara. This, combined with my apparent lack of a career/major direction, contributed to what I would term a serious mental/emotional breakdown. Where did I fit in? 

As it turns out, I discovered by the end of the quarter that I fit in here. And I don't have to abandon my past, my values, my experience, my home, in order to have an amazing university experience. I belong here. Among my fellow ELPers. Among these great leaders, these awesome, hilarious people who don't mind me being me. Among this awesome group of people that explores their passions each and every day. I couldn't have asked for a better group of people with whom to share this experience; so thank you.

I learned about how my own personality can influence my leadership styles--and how different peoples' personalities necessitate varying styles of leadership so as to better communicate goals and values. I learned that my values many times also influence how I lead. I'm very passionate about everything to do, and unsurprisingly I'm thus extremely passionate in my leadership style. But some people may not respond well to that style, so I need to know when and how to tone it down so as to create the best platform for collaboration. I learned that the struggles of one person can quickly become the struggles of the group if they aren't dealt with and vocalized in a strong, empathetic way. We work the best together when we recognize each other's strengths and weaknesses and build from them.

Most of all, I'd say that I learned that we work the best together, create the best products, organize the best events, craft the coolest retreat ideas, when we are passionate, when we care deeply about, when we love our work. Passion is everything. Where would we be if we hadn't explored our passions, our desires, our greatest loves? And where would we be if we hadn't persevered in the search? As an undeclared student who has gone through many different thoughts as to a possible major, this class, combined with DISCOVER, has helped me to realize that what I choose to study doesn't matter nearly as much as what I choose to do with my studies. More than that, I learned that I should chase my passions before all else--because by doing so, we are best able to lead, organize, grow, and create. Here, I'm guided by the words of Pedro Arrupe, S.J., the former superior general of the Society of Jesus:

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will effect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.

It's not so much about "finding God" as it is about "finding passions." Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything. It describes that moment when our worries and fears fade away and the only thing in front of us is our "here and now." It describes how I have felt about ELP these past few weeks.

Anyway, I hope to continue my leadership development. Most significantly, I need to continue with weekly self-reflection. I find it as an opportunity to air my concerns and center myself as I head into the new week, and it has been one of my favorite experience of ELP. So this blog will continue--although it will be, following this post, jumping here, over to Wordpress. All of these posts from ELP will remain archived here and a copy will exist there as well. Tumblr allows greater flexibility for posting mixed media and I can hashtag things. Which I like.

Seriously, though, my development as a leader--and as a person--is absolutely essential to me. And by reflecting as I go, I find that I'm better able to recognize where I succeed and where I fail as a leader; that way I can work to improve. As I grow into leadership positions, I expect to use the knowledge I gained in ELP about how different types of people work and lead in order to create environments that are inviting for all to, first and foremost, seek their passions.

The End of an Era: Yeah, I'm a Harry Potter Nerd. Deal with it.

So I've been having a bit of a Harry Potter nostalgia-fest. As someone who read the first novel at age six and continued with them up until the midnight release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, I cannot even begin to express what my world view owes to the series. Its themes have become important aspects of my value set, from the pervasiveness of love to the importance of family. 

I remember countless roadtrips with my parents, listening to the audiobooks in the car. Jim Dale's voice still rings in my ear, as I could easily predict half of the lines of dialogue in the final three books of the series. I remember attending the movie premieres with my entire family--grandparents and all. Nothing could be more reminiscent, nothing could better describe my childhood, aside for maybe skiing.

So enjoy this video as I start watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone instead of studying for finals. Why am I watching? Because I know that "whether [I] come back by page or by the big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome [me] home."

Self-Survey: Opening Oneself to Criticism

(NOTE: Text in brackets indicates direct quotes changed slightly in order to fit the context of a particular sentence.)

"What are my gifts?"

As I've already discussed, at the beginning of February, I attended a retreat with SCU Campus Ministry called DISCOVER. Focusing on the "three key questions," the weekend led me to a total [but necessary] personal breakdown. These questions and the two added by CM emphasized the personal:

"What brings me joy?"
"What are my gifts?"
"How can I discern my relationships?"
"Who does the world need me to be?"
"What are the costs?"

The question of gifts particularly resonated with me. What were my gifts? It struck me that I've never really given the question much thought myself. Who does? We're so focused on attention and praise that we don't really give time to reflect on our own strengths. And that's the other thing. I mean, it's one thing to think that you have a gift for something, but it's another thing entirely to be told that you have a gift for something by others. It's gratifying. It makes you feel good. It makes you want to go out and use your passions to change the world for the better.

But the unfortunate fact is that it doesn't give you the full story. It doesn't tell you where your weaknesses lie. It doesn't give you opportunities for self-improvement or growth--as a person, as a student, as a leader.

So after DISCOVER, I set up a Google Doc where my friends and family could anonymously and honestly share such information. I only asked two questions:

"What are Anthony's strengths?"
"What are Anthony's weaknesses?"

The responses were gratifying. Emotionally-charged. Rich. Honest and sincere. Incredibly true and occasionally frustrating. I mean, really? Do I really do that? Am I really? It's amazing how many things we don't notice that our friends and family do.

I was praised for "[my] ability to put plans into action, [my] dedication to others, [my] loyalty to [my] friends and ability to see the good in people and respect their opinions." I was recognized as "a wonderful activist" who holds "[myself] accountable for [my] actions and decisions," making me "a very dependable and consistent person following [my] conscience." I was called "a caring person that tries to make sure that all people [I] come into contact with [will] succeed." More broadly, respondents noted my empathy, passion, and faith as positive qualities.

Meanwhile, responses made clear my many weaknesses. I "can be a bit overbearing in arguments and sometimes...avoid looking at the other side," which can be "a bit intimidating." I have a "tendency to be very opinionated and talk over others, (not in an offensive or exclusive way, just excited[ly])." "Want[ing] things to be done a certain way," I "don't often delegate." Much of the comments were focused on my political beliefs and opinions, which I have a tendency to make quite obvious to other people, especially on Facebook, and often causing problems like long arguments in comments sections of statuses and photos. Overall, the main refrain was that I am sometimes so passionate that I appear to be judgmental or non-agreeable.

The exercise, though, was one of the coolest, most informative, most interesting things I've ever done to determine what other people see and hear when I am talking to them. My "strengths" were good to hear, but my "weaknesses" were humbling, yet necessary. I believe some of them can be explained at least partially by my MBTI type (an ESTJ/ESFJ tie), but they certainly bring opportunity for self-improvement.

I should try, for example, to keep political comments to a minimum so as not to enrage people who may not agree with my views or who aren't interested in politics. When I do make my opinions known, I need to make sure that I allow other people to get their views in as well--and I need to consider them equally with my own. I need to ensure that everyone has work to do so as not to feel unimportant.

All things that a leader should constantly be working on.

Overall, I encourage others to attempt to post a self-survey. You can create an anonymous Google Doc, allowing you to receive responses from people without their names being displayed--only a timestamp. I encourage you to take your praise in stride and your weaknesses as chances for improvement.

If you'd like to participate in my survey, I'd welcome your responses.

Artist Spotlight: NEEDTOBREATHE

I vividly remember that date in 2010 when I first heard what would become my favorite band of all time: NEEDTOBREATHE. Their song "Something Beautiful" was rich, meaningful, awe-inspiring. It shook me to my core, and it brought me peace. It gave me strength...and chills.

While the song often plays on Christian Contemporary radio and their are a few Christian references in the song, its main takeaways are mostly secular. Here's Bo Rineheart, the band's lead singer, on the meaning behind the song:

When I wrote "Something Beautiful", I was in a pretty desperate state. I kinda felt like I hadn't seen anything truly inspiring in awhile. And we're taught that inspiration is just around the corner, but the problem is, it may not be until the fifteenth corner that we finally see it. We talk about that risk and we use a metaphor in the verse of being "ankle deep in the ocean" but "the water is rising quick" and the tide's coming in, y'know, am I gonna drown, in search of this thing that I've been looking for. But I believe that anything worth having, is worth the risk of losing it...In the song, we don't really give the answer of how to find something beautiful. Because how you find that may be completely different than me. But I'm pretty sure it's going to start with a broken heart and a [remorseful] spirit."

"Something Beautiful" constantly reminds me that even when it seems like "the water is rising quick," risking my own "drowning," the "search" is worth persevering. Because only by persisting in the search will we finally find that "something beautiful."

Group Development...and Movie Clips

Tuckman's Stages of Group Development certainly are an interesting and insightful way to think about how group dynamics work. And they certainly make sense. How many strained group projects have you been a part of? Probably more than a few.

First off, let's figure out which videos represented which stages of group development.

Video #1: Norming
Here we see teammates taking the "fall"--the work, the pushups--for one of their own. It's clear by this stage that the group has developed into a cohesive unit that acts for common interests rather than competitive, selfish goals. The misfortune of one person is the misfortune of the group, and without complaining, without hesitation, without resistance, each of the players rises to the challenge of working with one another so as to better the whole.

Video #2: Adjourning
The primary plot points concluded, the only piece left in the puzzle of Aladdin is the denouement. Here we witness the breakup of the Genie and the rest of the characters as the work is done. There is nothing left to do, all problems being solved. Of course, it is a Disney movie, so it was clear from the beginning that Aladdin was going to "get the girl" as well.

Video #3: Storming
Breathtaking conflict. Each player is concerned about his own interests and not those of the whole group. A clear clique has developed, with individuals taking stances not solely for the merit of those stances, but because they wish to be seen as superior to everyone else. Of course, this sort of a moment in group development does create challenges, but only by resolving them can the group work toward execution.

Video #4: Performing
The "important" part. This is where it all comes together. Clearly, with one of "their own" in trouble, the members of the fish tank community at "P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney" are concerned with working together to make the impossible happen: saving Nemo from Darla's wrath. And they do so without care of themselves--only for the task at hand.

So, what's missing?

Video #5: Forming
Quite honestly, I haven't watched a lot of movies recently. So this challenge was particularly difficult. Especially considering the fact that I had to think of a scene that I knew would be on YouTube. So when I stumbled upon this clip from last year's The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I knew I had found a good match.

First of all, we see a group slowly coming together. Charlie, the "loner" in this situation, comes together with Sam (played by Harry Potter actress Emma Watson) and Ezra Miller's character. There's a focus on similarities as Miller's character remarks that Charlie hasn't made fun of him. Obvious first impressions are made, and are clearly enough as the two invite Charlie to a party later that night. There's not too much exploration of each character, but there is a large emphasis placed on inclusion, as Charlie is welcomed into the two's circle. Later on in the movie, the acquaintanceship grows into friendship, which only continues to flourish.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is an excellent movie. And I never thought I'd say that. My brother is a big fan of the novel as well as the film, and needless to say, the enthusiasm has carried over at least somewhat. That said, it's not for the faint of heart or the emotionally-weak. And it's certainly not a "walk in the park" movie. But I do encourage all of you to see it if you haven't already. It's one of the two movies I've seen in theaters in the last six months, and given that Les Miserables was the other, I can't exactly give the nod to one over the other.

Enjoy.

Leadership by Example: Non-Judging Communication

Just a little funny screengrab to start off your week. This was in Spokane, my hometown, and broadcast on KHQ Local News, the NBC affiliate in the area, after a stabbing that occurred near downtown. This particular image went viral on Reddit, Tumblr, and a number of other social media outlets. Notably, this individual's communication was ineffective. So here we are. 

We've all had those interactions. The ones where you don't realize that the person to whom you're speaking is actually in a deep state of emotional distress. They happen every day. Usually it's not your fault; I mean, they do an excellent job of putting on "masks" under which they can hide their true feelings, what is truly going on in their lives. It could be a death in the family. It could be severe depression. It could be crippling anorexia. Alternatively, they could be attempting to hide their deep emotional bliss. Perhaps they just visited home. Maybe they just got back from a retreat and are on a spiritual high.

The point is that we don't know where others are coming from. But when we recognize the diverse and varied experiences from which others come, we can better understand relate to and communicate with others so as to facilitate strong, decisive leadership. As such, my five strategies come in the form of steps. Note that all of these steps can be fit into the group dynamic as well.

STEP 1: Recognize the overall and inherent diversity and uniqueness of each and every person. By better recognizing that we each have our own struggles, challenges, triumphs, and perspectives which govern the way which we live our lives, we can better relate to others.

STEP 2: Try to understand and respect the other person's differences. Inevitably, we aren't always going to be dealing with people who have similar experiences to ours. We will, however, interact with hundreds of other people on a daily basis. We can choose to allow these feel comfortable in communicating with us, or we can become hostile because they don't understand our own points of view. It's our choice. Not theirs. Now, this isn't license to allow the other person to be a jerk to you. On the contrary, this method of communicating asks you to understand why the other person might be acting like a jerk.

STEP 3: Adapt your communication style so as to be more sensitive to the needs of the other. For example, take the person who was acting like a jerk to you earlier. Perhaps he is stressed about a midterm or something else. Try speaking with less of an inclination toward deadlines and recriminations and more toward sympathy. You may need to "lay down the law," for example, on a group project, but you cannot simply move toward anger and hard deadlines, or the other individual might become agitated. Try to empathize with the other person.

STEP 4: Move toward a mutual solution. All parties can be agreeable. If this is starting to sound like conflict resolution, that's because non-judging communication is absolutely key to conflict resolution. You can't move forward to a solution when one party is constantly judging the other. All parties should be satisfied as long as they are empathizing/sympathizing with each other.

STEP 5: Constantly strive to become more discerning in when you "judge" during communication. This can come in the form of body language, appearance, and a variety of factors. The key is that "judging" in communication is not inherently bad, but in many cases it reduces our ability to understand where the other individual is coming from, which is assuredly bad.

 Anyway, follow these five steps, and you will be a leader in non-judging communication. They key is to understand that not everyone comes from your background. In recognizing that, we become not only better, more effective leaders who can better relate to those we serve, but also just better human beings.

"This I Believe": The "Active Stillness" of Nature, and of Natural Beauty, brings Catharsis

EDIT: I'm debating recording a version and posting it here. As I was writing it, I tried to pay special attention to the cadence in play while reading this, and I kind of want to get an idea of how to better plan for this while writing in the first place.

"It's the stillness."

My home, the Pacific Northwest, is famous for, among other things, the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, Portlandia, Microsoft, and some of the most liberal politics in the world. But look beyond the cities and towns, beyond the politics, and you’ll find perhaps the most naturally-beautiful area of the United States. By disconnecting from the “noise” of everyday life and taking advantage of these pristine and world-class resources—from Mount Rainer to the Pacific Ocean, from Lake Coeur d’Alene to the Columbia River Gorge, from the Cascades to the Selkirks—a more effective listening to oneself becomes possible.

I’ve been visiting Schweitzer in the northern Idaho mountains for nearly my entire life. Few activities can be more cathartic. After a long, stressful, and sleep-deprived week, my personal prescription might be a few knee-deep powder runs off of Pucci’s Chute or Lakeside. Or it could be a morning of high-speed, high-angle, high-adrenaline cruisers. I could take to the peaceful stillness of the trees, or hit up the sick rails, boxes, and jumps in the park. There’s something about outdoor recreation that just lends itself to a greater sense of freedom. A sense of unlimited possibilities, and not simply as toward the next run. Something changes inside of me; I feel more alive, more excited, more free. Somehow, more whole, more confident, more me. All of my worldly cares and anxieties slip away, and I allow myself the privilege of introspection and self-evaluation without giving myself the chance for criticism or doubt.

In nature, silence, particularly, tends to do that. With little else but the snow, the wind, the mountains, and the sprawling views below, I am freed from the limitations and expectations of everyday life. Free from the pain. Free from the noise. The noise. 

There are new noises here, and they are more unique and more beautiful than anything I hear elsewhere. The crunch of snow underneath my feet as I walk up South Ridge on a moonlit hike. The purring of the brisk westerly winds. The occasional owl, hooting in the distance. Myself. Myself. Amidst the stress of life, family, academics, and whatever else may be going on, it just feels impossible to even know how I am feeling at any given point. But here, in my personal wilderness, in this blissful silence, I can hear myself and hone in to my greatest struggles, joys, and longings. And in doing so, I become more fully me.

So when life gets rough, I take refuge in the mountains. When I’m feeling lost or confused, I seek out the stillness of nature. In recreating, in experiencing, in living the beauty of the “active stillness” of the environment, I believe that I can become not just a better person, but a better soul.

"This I Believe": Sharing Oneself in Service

This week, I share with you a "This I Believe" essay written by Isabel Allende of Sausalito, California in the spring of 2005. She writes:

I have lived with passion and in a hurry, trying to accomplish too many things. I never had time to think about my beliefs until my 28-year-old daughter Paula fell ill. She was in a coma for a year and I took care of her at home, until she died in my arms in December of 1992. 

During that year of agony and the following year of my grieving, everything stopped for me. There was nothing to do — just cry and remember. However, that year also gave an opportunity to reflect upon my journey and the principles that hold me together. I discovered that there is consistency in my beliefs, my writing and the way I lead my life. I have not changed, I am still the same girl I was fifty years ago, and the same young woman I was in the seventies. I still lust for life, I am still ferociously independent, I still crave justice and I fall madly in love easily. 

Paralyzed and silent in her bed, my daughter Paula taught me a lesson that is now my mantra: You only have what you give. It’s by spending yourself that you become rich. 

Paula led a life of service. She worked as a volunteer helping women and children, eight hours a day, six days a week. She never had any money, but she needed very little. When she died she had nothing and she needed nothing. During her illness I had to let go of everything: her laughter, her voice, her grace, her beauty, her company and finally her spirit. When she died I thought I had lost everything. But then I realized I still had the love I had given her. I don’t even know if she was able to receive that love. She could not respond in any way, her eyes were somber pools that reflected no light. But I was full of love and that love keeps growing and multiplying and giving fruit. 

The pain of losing my child was a cleansing experience. I had to throw overboard all excess baggage and keep only what is essential. Because of Paula, I don’t cling to anything anymore. Now I like to give much more than to receive. I am happier when I love than when I am loved. I adore my husband, my son, my grandchildren, my mother, my dog, and frankly I don’t know if they even like me. But who cares? Loving them is my joy. 

Give, give, give — what is the point of having experience, knowledge or talent if I don’t give it away? Of having stories if I don’t tell them to others? Of having wealth if I don’t share it? I don’t intend to be cremated with any of it! It is in giving that I connect with others, with the world and with the divine.

It is in giving that I feel the spirit of my daughter inside me, like a soft presence.

What is the point of having experience, knowledge, or talent if I don't give it away? A fascinating, thought-provoking question, and one which I wrestle with every day. I find that I feel more fulfilled, more alive, when I share my own joys with others. Whether it's planning the next wacky event, like a Miracle Fruit Tasting Party, or serving the hungry at a local pantry, I find that being a light for others is as simple as being willing to open your heart to them.

By sharing our joys with others and by extending an arm to those in need, we can better connect, I believe, not only to others, but to ourselves.

Personal Tensions: Or, "Why are these blog posts always so appropriately timed?"

(Note: I apologize for the lateness of this post. I felt like I needed more time to reflect on it, and I was busy for all of Saturday and much of Sunday. Also, forgive the length; I've been trying to take more time for self-reflection lately, and it tends to spill over into this blog. Please do read all the way through though; I do think that it's worth it, and I won't be providing CliffsNotes.)

"Have patience with all that remains unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves. Like locked rooms. Like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers, for they cannot now be given to you, because you would not be able to live them. The point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps gradually, and without even noticing it, you will find yourself, some day, living yourself into the answers."

--Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

There's no way to describe it, but it seems like these blog posts always come at the best time, and always in the best way. Right in the middle of a major internal and personal struggle which has consumed much of my past year or so, albeit more so in the past six months, I'm struck with the opportunity to reflect on my own personal values (i.e. last week, with congruence) and commitments. As well, I'm given the opportunity to learn about my own personal qualities that shaped me into the person I am today (i.e. with the MBTI).

I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for this opportunity. ELP has been the best decision I've made since enrolling at Santa Clara University, and it means the world to me that we have such a great group of people with whom to share our stories, connect, envision, plan, create, and discuss. As all leaders should do. So thank you for that. At mid-quarter, here's to another five weeks of serendipitous awesomeness.

The Setup
(Naturally, the other posts on this blog form a bit of necessary background as well. Feel free to click around on other posts if you feel like you need more information or setup.)

I knew from the beginning that college would not be an easy transition. Little did I know that it would be as difficult that it has been. Flashback to last year. At my Jesuit high school of nearly one thousand students, I was deeply and passionately involved. I took all Honors/AP classes, I ran track for three years, I served as a member and then as the President of Knights of the Leash, a service organization for junior and senior men, I organized numerous class-wide events junior year and then served as the President of my Senior Class Council, I served on two Search retreat crews and then led one as a Crew "Chief," among many other activities. It was a busy few years, but it was more rewarding than I ever possibly could have imagined. My class was a close, respected class, regarded as the "best" that Gonzaga Prep had had in recent years. I say this not to brag, but to emphasize the extent of my relationships that I had nurtured back at home.

Here, at Santa Clara University, I've had to navigate starting over again. From scratch. Super daunting. Super frustrating. Everyone been challenged by this, albeit to differing extents. But as someone who is used to open and friendly relationships, and who had stuck with nearly the same group of people, plus or minus a few, since the age of six, it's been an experience to say the least.

Anyway desiring to get more involved in Campus Ministry, which I loved working with in high school, on the first weekend of February, I attended a retreat offered at Santa Clara University called DISCOVER. Rooted in the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius and covering the topic of discernment, the retreat offered an opportunity to reflect on many of the same questions which we have been discussing over the past few weeks in ELP. Five questions stood out as the most important:

"What brings me joy?"
"What are my gifts?"
"How can I discern my relationships?"
"Who does the world need me to be?"
"What are the costs?"

Going into the retreat, I had been expecting to talk, discuss, and reflect mostly on vocation. What you are called to do, whatever that may be. As someone who is undeclared as toward a major, I wanted answers and I wanted them then. What should I do? I mean, sure, I was conceded to the fact that I probably would not magically stumble upon a major possibility, but I at least hoped that I would be offered some sort of inkling. Some path forward.

The "What"
After the retreat, I suffered a sort of breakdown. Those of you have been on Search/Encounter/Kairos might have experienced something called a "retreat high." This was the anti-Search high, the anti-retreat high. A retreat low, if you will. A totally and completely depressive state surrounding my future, what I was meant to do, and how I was meant to do it.

Upon returning to campus, I tried to allow everything to sink in. I wanted to just accept the fact that I had gotten nothing out of the weekend, and that it had been a total waste of time. I wanted to write it off as "just a good weekend away from campus," and nothing more. I wanted to think of it as a failed retreat that offered little to me, and little to others. But I couldn't. There was something about DISCOVER that had stuck, and I couldn't place my finger on it. And for whatever reason, it depressed me to no end. I was confused, lost, and possibly in need of psychiatric evaluation (I'm kidding, sort of...). I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life or how I would get there. I didn't feel like I had any true friends at Santa Clara University, at least not in the same sense as I had friends at home, which further depressed me. I didn't even really know if this was where I needed to be in my life.

I called my parents, who were, quite frankly, shocked that a retreat could arouse such a negative response. They knew I had been struggling in adapting to the college experience, and in my own indecision (or perhaps genuine unknowing), but I think that this was perhaps my biggest breakdown yet, and they were caught off-guard. I'm really, really close with my mom, so the shift to a school nearly a thousand miles away from home has been extraordinarily challenging. It didn't help that I had just done extremely poorly on a Chemistry midterm and was debating dropping the class.

So as I called/texted/Skype'd/Facebook'ed/generally talked to my parents, tears rolling down by this point, I just wanted to know. I just wanted to know. I wanted to know what my life was meant to be, and I wanted a step-by-step plan to help me get there. The entire experience centered around my lack of answers and my fear of the unknown. Over the course of these four days after DISCOVER, I came to realize that these answers would never come, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. They would not come from my parents, they would not come from a retreat, they would not come from a self-help book, a movie, a song--the answers would not come. Most of all, they wouldn't come from me...at least not directly, overtly through a conscious "decision" in the truest sense.

The "So What"

Rather, I realized that the answers "could not be given to me, because I would not be able to live them." That Rainer Maria Rilke quote, above, which had been passed out on the last day of the retreat, stuck with me. "The point is to live everything." What?

The peaceful stillness of the mountains awaits. Inspired by Sierra Club founder John Muir's famous line--"the mountains are calling and I must go."

I have spent so much of my life planning for or worrying about my future (What can I do that will make myself look favorable for the Stanford application? The Notre Dame application? The Georgetown application? What can I do that will give me a lot of merit-based Financial Aid at Gonzaga? At Santa Clara? At Loyola Marymount?) that I have failed to live in the present. In many ways, the very concept remains foreign to me. How can I even act in such a way that allows me to be cognizant of the future, aware that it remains a detail to consider, a point to bear in mind, yet still keep a solid focus on what makes me who I am. On what brings me joy. On my gifts. On what the world needs me to be. Such thinking is not forward-looking at all, although it is a vocational exercise. It's present-looking.

And that quote...it's also present-looking. Live the questions, indeed, but also, and critically, live your questions. No one else's. Don't be swayed by the opinions or judgments of others, something to which I know now that I am particularly prone. But instead, live your passions. Live what makes you, you. Don't try to be anyone else. The rest will follow accordingly and how it is meant to follow. The most important thing is that you vigorously pursue your passions.

It comes as somewhat of a shock to me that such a supposedly "obvious" idea, one that has been drilled into my brain over and over and over, would be such a depressant. But I realized that I hadn't totally been pursuing my own passions. I realized that I needed to do a better job of letting me be me, and even better, I realized that true happiness, true success, both here at Santa Clara University and in the real world, would not come until I did a better job of being myself. Living more truly the "magis"--the Latin phrase translated from ad majorem dei gloriam and meaning "the more." Living more positively the challenge that I had been given at my high school baccalaureate mass and throughout my high school career.

Ite inflammate omnia. Another Latin phrase, this one meaning, "go forth and set the world on fire." And, well, I don't know if you've noticed, but true "fire" doesn't exactly come from passions, joys, gifts restricted and tied up.

The "Now What"
Moving forward, I'm trying to make a more conscious and constant effort to discern my passions, my gifts, my joys. I sent out a survey to my Facebook friends asking them to respond with my greatest gifts and my greatest weaknesses. The response has been humbling, but, I think, necessary for my self development. It's helped me to realize where my talents truly lie, rather than relying on a potentially skewed view from my own perspective. That's another thing...perspective helps. (Note: if you'd like to participate in my survey, you can do so completely anonymously at this Google Doc.)

I've been trying to recognize which academic areas are truly passions, and which are just my own pandering to outside interests (i.e. friends, parents, culture, society, etc.). Should I really pursue something in the sciences, for example, or are the social sciences more for me? Is there any way to consider double-majoring so as to leave more options open and continue exploring my interests?

I think I've discovered a few of my true passions. Helping people is one. I've always enjoyed community service and leadership opportunities, and direct support for those in need has always been something to which I've strived. But beyond simple and potentially cliché applications of service, I try to build community among those around me, especially among those I know well. I believe that community is one of the foundations of a productive, great, livable society. It's the way that we survive; by coming together and enjoying each other's company, and I love working to build that sense, that appreciation, among the people I serve and with whom I live and learn. Perhaps that's why I'm beginning to think that the social sciences might be a better option for me; such an opportunity would allow me to build my community-building skills from within a certain framework (i.e. Psychology, which would skew toward either research or clinical application, or Political Science or Economics, which would skew toward law, etc.)

That's not to say that it hasn't been a challenge. I'm still struggling to adapt to this new environment. I still don't really know what I want to do with my life. I still question my decisions every day. But I'm confident that I'm on the right path moving forward in living my questions. Living my passions. Living my personal "magis."

Supposedly spoken by St. Ignatius of Loyola to Francis Xavier as he set out for India in 1540, "ite inflammate omnia," or "go forth and set the world on fire," has become a sort of motto, a way of living one's life, for the Jesuits and their sympathizers around the world.

And, with help, from God and from others, I believe that I will be able to embrace my passions, my gifts, my "calling," to truly "go forth and set the world on fire."

Congruence + Values: Brené Brown and the Power of Vulnerability (that is, the Power of Being Open)

Unfortunately, my video--the first one--is super-lengthy, but I can't even begin to express how well I think that they align well with my top values of openness and love. Watch it if you have time; not only is Brené Brown super funny, but she is excellent at getting her point across. If you like it and want more, watch the second video, which, for the first few minutes, actually fits a bit better with what I'm about to say:

We cannot be fully open to other people, to new ideas, to the love that can be shared between people and communities, without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. That is, we must be open. We must allow ourselves to be seen in the truest light. We must be open to growth, to new possibilities; otherwise, we will maintain possibly-biased and one-sided world views and beliefs. We must let ourselves fail; for if we do not, we will simply float along without ever truly achieving anything. You read that correctly: our biggest achievements are had when we fail. Thomas Edison would be a great example; he went through hundreds of designs before he settled on what later became the traditional incandescent light bulb. What could be more vulnerable than failure?

In sum, and connecting with congruence, I try to live my life by being open to...almost everything. To growth. To other people. To failure. To success. To knowing that I can be wrong. To new possibilities and points of view. I try to welcome my successes and my failures with open arms, because I know that I wouldn't be who I am without both of those experiences. Foremost, however, I try to be open to other people.

And I believe firmly that when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable (that is, when we allow ourselves to be open), we form greater communities, greater friendships, greater bonds than we would otherwise. We build better things, find better answers, and we don't break a sweat. Because we know that no matter what, someone else has also failed, someone else has also lost a friend, someone else has also suffered.

Empathy, community, love, openness, and vulnerability are interconnected and you cannot separate one from the other. And together, they form my number one value.

What do you think?

ESFJ: Or, why it's always so difficult for me to make decisions

This describes in perfect detail the feelings I have when I make a decision. Not even simply while I'm making a decision, but also while after it. For example, is SCU really the right fit for me, even now, after I've been here for a while already? Or does somewhere else still better fit my personality?

ESFJ. ESFJ. Could I really be an ESFJ? Me? Really?

I was initially shocked to discover that my MBTI had labeled me an ESFJ (Extraversion, Sensing, Feeling, Judgment). I had taken the test in high school, and I expected to either again be marked as an ESTJ (Extraversion, Sensing, Thinking, Judgment) or be thrown into something entirely different, like Introversion, for which my association is not high. Alas, such a similar-but-not-similar characterization aroused surprise.

But the thing is, the more I reflected on the idea of ESFJ, the more the category seemed to fit. I do, indeed, take pleasure in the happiness of others. I trust the literal and concrete information gathered by the senses. I take a genuine interest in the well-beings of my friends and family, as well as others. I am vocal about  my sense of right and wrong, but I want to understand varying points of view. My values tend to be based on the good of the social group rather than so much the good of the individual. I like a sense of structure, and I try to create it wherever I can.

These are all great qualities, and ones that I believe describe me well.

But wait, hold on a second...my association with "Feeling" over "Thinking" is only a one-point association? Maybe I am an ESTJ after all! Well, let's see...what do "Thinking" people prefer?

"Heroic Leadership"..."Magis Leadership"? Or, the uniquely Ignatian approach to leadership that anyone can follow

The "Heroic Leadership Model" can best be described as a leadership model that everyone can use; it's more of a way of living one's life than a way of leading. Central to the model is the idea that we should "live for more." That is, we should strive for something greater than ourselves.

While each of the leadership models we have so far discussed has its merits, it turns out that the best leadership model for me remains the Heroic Leadership Model. Outlined by Chris Lowney in his book, Heroic Leadership: Best Practices from a 450-Year-Old Company That Changed the World, the model discusses the various leadership and self-development practices of the Society of Jesus, the Jesuits, over their lengthy and austere history.

Notably, and perhaps most importantly, "Heroic Leadership Model" is a misnomer. In fact, I want to start out by renaming the model for my own purposes so as to better understand its processes. In order to do that, we need to take a quick look at the history of the Jesuits. (Please note that the following is adapted from a short print article entitled "Ignatius and His Exercises" by Barry Barfield.)

In the 1500s, Iñigo of Loyola was a Basque warrior with a love of chivalry and the knightly code of conduct (bravery, honor, gallantry, etc.). Though he was the youngest of thirteen children and it would have thus been the custom of the day for him to become a priest, his worldly exploits quickly put an end to that. Badly wounded by a cannonball in a battle with the French, he suffered two excruciating operations to set his shattered leg. During his recovery, he engaged in numerous vivid daydreams that set about his personal conversion and formed the basis of his work in the Spiritual Exercises, a sort of guidebook toward discernment that has since become a model for meditation used by the Society of Jesus, the religious order which he founded, and other organizations worldwide, both religious and nonreligious.

One of the key movements in the Spiritual Exercises is toward what St. Ignatius called "the magis," best understood as its direct Latin translation: "the more." This could easily be regarded as the sole point of Ignatian spirituality, of Ignatian living: to constantly be striving for "the more"; more thoughtful, open, and loving relationships, more open and direct communication, more of a difference made to our communities, more of a difference made for others, more of everything good in our lives. And importantly, St. Ignatius meant for this to be applied in every aspect of our lives; to him, spirituality was as much about our personal living as it was about our relationships with God.

So I propose that we rename the "Heroic Leadership Model" as the "Magis Leadership Model," the better to understand more deeply the point which Mr. Lowney is attempting to get across in his book.

"Social Change Model": In which I describe the connections to Social Change in Phone Banking

Barack Obama joins campaign volunteers to make a few calls in support of his re-election in 2012. Phone-banking is an excellent example of the "Social Change Model" put to good use.

Phone banking is a time-honored tradition in the Democratic Party. While used, albeit to a lesser extent, in Republican nominating and Presidential contests, it played a much larger role for the community-based organizing of the Barack Obama campaign in 2008 and 2012.

(While this forms more of an example of the "Social Change Model" in action than a representation or approximation, I must be clear: the same could be said of similar activities on the other side of the aisle. It was just easier to find a picture of people phone-banking for a Democratic candidate.)

Participants are working to effect their idea of positive change through phone banking to ensure that citizens vote. This encourages citizenship as much as taking an active role in the political process through volunteerism. The group works with a common purpose and in the spirit of collaboration. Notably, in the phone banks in which I've participated, controversy has been addressed with the utmost civility and sincerity. That is, opponents are addressed positively, rather than through negative attacks. When a non-supporter answers the phone, phone-bankers are urged to simply thank the person on the other end for their time and politely end the conversation. Finally, each phone-banker makes a conscious choice to take time out of their busy schedule to make calls. Commitment is key.

"Elevator Speech": Or, what makes me, me.

My name is Anthony Gill. I'm from Spokane, Washington and I'm currently a freshman at Santa Clara University, Undeclared in the College of Arts & Sciences.

While I have many interests (which probably explains why I'm undeclared), foremost among them is skiing. Since the age of four, I've been skiing at Schweitzer Mountain Resort in northern Idaho overlooking Lake Pend Oreille and Sandpoint. While college will force skiing to take a temporary backseat, I'm looking forward to a few modest trips to Tahoe to take advantage of Squaw Valley and KT-22.

Lake Pend Oreille is visible from Schweitzer Mountain Resort, the largest ski resort in Idaho and my favorite place on the face of this planet. I've been skiing since the age of four.